"Why fool around with hamburger, when you have steak at home?"

You're a good man, Paul Newman. :)

Now, If I could only get to sleep. Grrr.

BrainChild.

So, here's a bit of a peek at the new endeavor:

Never Make Someone A Priority, When They Only Make You An Option.

Tonight, I'm a grump.

I hate not being able to sleep. At times, I can easily pinpoint the exact reason as to why I'm having trouble "letting down", while other times, I draw a blank. At least for tonight, I think I know.

I'm dissapointed. In a lot of different people, for a lot of different things. Tonight, I just feel like a wall has fallen on me and even though I know I'm strong enough to move, I feel paralyzed. Maybe I ask too much. Maybe I think, for just this one time, things will be or end differently. Maybe, after all of the fighting, I'm wrong. Maybe all of this, isn't worth fighting for, at all.

My mom says that sometimes I see "inside" of people and am able to identify a humanistic aspect, that I become indebted to. I need to stop this. Every situation always seems to end poorly.

Sometimes, I really wish for the "Old" Harmony. The younger, shy, chubbier girl...someone who if, at that time, could've seen the way things have ended now; would've done anything to avoid some of the decisions that she would eventually make.

Ya live, Ya Learn.

Goodnight.

E.S. Ghetto.

After spending all day raking leaves and mowing my lawn, I looked up and spotted this. For the first time in a bit, I had a good laugh.

I do, officially, live in the ghetto. Yessss.

Gone Coastal.

Found this photo while I was helping my mom, clean out one of our many garages. (An all day job...we won't mention how much time I wasted, looking at old photos)

Oregon Coast. I think I was 15.

My mom was behind the lens. I was the unsuspecting model.

Needless to say, I quit while I was ahead. :)

Word of the day: Epicure.

Elephants.

With all of the free time I have recently aquired, I found this. ITunes it or Limewire it, if you're cheap. This song is beautiful.


If the elephants have past lives,
Yet are destined to always remember,
It's no wonder how they scream,
Like you and I, they must have some temper.

And I am dreaming of them on the plains,
Dirtying up their beds,
Watching for some kind of rain
To cool their hot heads.

And how dare that you send me that card
When I'm doing all that I can do.
You are forcing me to remember
When all I want is to just forget you.

If the tiger shall protect her young,
Then tell me how did you slip by.
All my instincts have failed me for once
I must have somehow slept the whole night.

And I am dreaming of them with their kill,
Tearing it all apart,
Blood dripping from their lips,
And teeth sinking in to heart.

And how dare that you say you will call,
When you know I need some peace of mind..
If you had to take sides with the animals,
Won't you do it with one who is kind?

If the hawks in the trees need the dead,
If you're living you don't stand a chance.
For a time, though you share the same bed,
There are only two ends to this dance.

You can flee with your wounds just in time,
Or lie there as he feeds,
Watching yourself ripped to shreds
And laughing as you bleed.

So for those of you falling in love,
Keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right.
Throw yourself in the midst of danger,
But keep one eye open at night.

Laugh until we cry. Love until we bleed.

Life is funny.

I've always tried to see each "hurdle" as a learning experience. Such practices seem to have served me well. Growing with each struggle, no matter how small...(ie: crying my eyes out when my pet rabbit died vs. crying my eyes out because the boy I liked, asked someone else to prom ;)

If I could handle bad relationship decisions, going from $$$ to close to broke in the shortest time period imaginable, job changes (good and bad), screwing up every good relationship I have going, plus random personal losses...I could handle anything, right?

At this point, I just don't know.

I got Hugo as a baby. He was born with an angular front limb that would require surgery, to straighten out. There was no guarantee that surgery would be effective, since it was experimental. His breeder was against "putting any more money" into him, so he opted to euthanize him. My vet and I intervened and we put up the money for his numerous surgeries, in exchange for ownership. He was full of personality and spunk, even in a full leg cast, with pins in his knees. :) He immediately attached himself to humans (I'd like to think it wasn't just because we bottle fed him, haha).

As he grew older, I had no doubt that he would like to take a seat on the couch and watch TV with me. If my mom had let me, I might've tried. :)

Six years. Not nearly enough.


Whether it's hurting, because you know you care immensely about someone; when you know they presumably won't ever feel the same. To the utterly selfless love of an animal, whom at some point you know you may lose. Or giving yourself to someone, with the knowledge that they have "all of you" and you trust them, as scary as that may be. Maybe, we allow ourselves to take these risks, to open a place in our hearts for someone/something, because, in the end...we love them enough.

Maybe we're supposed to love, to hurt. Maybe that's what makes that feeling, so real.

This feeling's become all too familiar. I wish I knew.

God. I miss him.

Love. for. Grafitti.

Yesterday, was my birthday. I am now, officially "halfway to fifty"+ one year. Oddly enough, when I woke up, my back reminded me that I am getting "old". (Either that, or the fact that my mattress was $100.00 from BigLots...) It's weird turning a year older and feeing like I'm not indeed "wiser", but slightly lost.

The past little bit has been rough. While the majority of my friends (old/new) have either graduated from the college of their choice, working a lucrative career, and/or married/in a committed relationship...I'm, here.

Shitty circumstances aside, I am a lucky girl. I have a wonderful, crazy family, a small but trusted group of friends and my livelihoods. I have a lot to be thankful for. Although I can't help but wishing somethings were slightly "tweaked". We'll see. Things tend to unfold, as they should.

Cameron and I ended up going to Paradise Bakery for dinner. (If you ever go, get the sandwiches, they're great. The salads, not so much...) Afterwards, we stopped by his mom's house to say hello and see the "animalia". I thoroughly enjoyed spending some time with his mom, Omallie (cat), Sammy (cat), Sarah (cat), Hannah (cat), Chester (dog), Spud (tortoise) and Cosmo (bird). Plus, his mom made some fabulous cookies. :)

We then decided to go out to the "tunnels" along I-215. After "trapezing", barefoot vs. falling in my heels, down a beam in order to get to the tunnel, we turned on the flashlight. The tunnels were filled, floor to ceiling, in grafitti. Apparently, he and his friends used to paint in these tunnels, years ago. After getting the, "If something big falls on you, kill it as fast as you can", speech, I was good to go. Taking in the simplicity of something that costs nothing, with someone that you genuinely like to spend time with, means everything.

The night was perfect. I wouldn't have wanted to spend it any other way.

Plus, on the positive; unlike last year, I didn't get left at a bar. :)

Mr. Feel Nothing.

Not being able to sleep, gives me a lot of time to think.

I've realized, that a lot of people seem to feel apathy towards eachother. Maybe it's just being jaded, I don't know. I have tried my best to avoid ever being that way. I have been dragged into the shittiest relationships I could imagine, and I've always tried to keep the frame of mind (keyword, tried), to bounce back from them. To remember that everyone is not the same and to give it all another go around. (Slowly, there's nothing wrong with protecting yourself.) I mean it's what you have to do right? There are shitty people, which unfortunately can make us wary of everyone. Cause how could something built on lies and deceit, feel completely real, right? You could question yourself forever. Not everyone is the same.

On the contrary, this doesn't mean constant companionship. You can be alone. You can be single. But when it comes down to it, refuse to give up. Or avoid something when you see potential. Maybe one time, it will be worth the shot. Maybe. Regrets are a horrible thing. Many people will come close to hardening you. Just refuse to ever let them succeed. Too many of us are hardened now.

I hope this isn't what we all are becoming. That there is still a large enough group of us willing to keep going another round. Still willing to let someone in. That we aren't all going to end up just a bunch of robots in relationships. People who will end up dating not wholeheartedly with feeling and hopes, but more of an acceptance of failure and detachment. Almost as if already prepared to walk away easily, should it come to that in the relationship.

That's an unfortunate way to believe.

It's an impossible way to fall in love.

Walking Fifty Miles in Snakeskin Flats.

I've never remembered being "here". At a place where everything you seem to touch, fades away or turns into an utterly twisted mess. Dream jobs turn into nightmares and it seems like any "good thing" you have going, comes to an end.

Honestly, today, I didn't know what to do or where to go. So, as expected, I bug Cam. After spending the majority of the day, either sleeping, YouTubing, ITunesing and just generally feeling poorly for ourselves, we decided to take a walk and get something to eat. It had been raining all day and there's always an interesting beauty in a city covered in rain.

After "fueling" ourselves, we continued on our trek of taking in the city, during the storm. No umbrellas, just hoodies and jackets...pure hipster fashion. :) During our walk around the city, I began to realize different things that I had always been too busy to notice. That, coupled with the overcast and rainy weather, magnified everything we took in. Long story, short...we spent the whole day, just walking all over downtown.

To some, this may not be the "perfect" idea of a "perfect" day. I used to be one of those people. I don't know what changed, but I like it. Simplicity is an amazing aphrodisiac. Plus, I kinda enjoyed looking like a complete wreck. ;)

Sometimes, I wish I could re-live certain days and experiences, over and over again.

Today was one of those days.

(Also, worth noting; I think I successfully ruined my snakeskin flats and I've never been happier.)

Blog--er. Yeah.

So, it's the start of a new month and I hate keeping a diary.

Here goes nothing.