I get it. I'm done.

mas⋅och⋅ism
   [mas-uh-kiz-uhm, maz-]
–noun
1. Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
2. gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
3. the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.
4. the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.

Everyone Sucks.

At relationships. Right?


After spending the evening entertaining a conversation that involved "why" a family friend was dating a certain girl, I'm stumped. Should it be so complex? Don't get me wrong. I think I officially hold the record for "sucking at a relationship". I have no room to talk. I think that I try to "digest" certian situations, to try; myself, to avoid them in the future. Maybe.

The discussion started with the mention of a family friend. He had recently been dating (aka "head over heels") for a girl that, in the end...I think, kind of broke his heart. She moved on fast, got married. I'm serious. That situation is not uncommon. Girls, unfortunately, can be sly and manipulative creatures. It only takes one selfish girl, to ruin a good guy for the rest of us. I seem to be learning this more and more everyday.

So, fast forward a couple of weeks. Our family friend is now "heavily" involved with the aforementioned girl's, older sister. He seems happy, which in my mind is the most important thing. However, I have to think...why subject yourself to a situation that I feel will constantly brood unfinished "feelings"? His response?

"I will be at every family function. She will constantly be forced to see me."

Oh boy.

Another observation: We all like nice things. Anyone that speaks differently, is lying. After absorbing the first week of a crazy Sundance, I have come to the realization that money buys a lot of things. For instance, a beautiful $800.00 pair of Mike & Chris boots would be a lovely addition to my closet. :) I've even resorted to spending over seven dollars on a sandwich and not batting an eye. Ewww. (This has got to stop! haha.) I have also witnessed a lot of "couples", with what seems like "more money than god"...that HATE eachother. Case in point, I literally had a man "threaten" me if I, "sold his wife a pair of boots". Everyone seems to just go through the "motions". Together, because it's expected. Together, because it's easier than picking up a job and having to live by a budget. It's amazing the happiness that we sacrifice.

So, Why? Why do we make relationships so difficult? Why do items of monitary value, take precedence over the "stripped down", bare bones type of love? What makes people stay in unhappy situations? Complacency? On the same token, what makes people control and stifle any need or want for anything/something that they deserve?

Maybe it's because some people are afraid they will end up alone. When it comes down to it, we all want to feel like we are important to someone. Some people settle and regret everyday of it. Others, just might be so terrified of what good might come from actually realizing who they could be to someone, that they never try.

Better to be safe, than sorry, I guess.

Good Night.

Queen Of The Hill.

I'm moving. For, hopefully, the last time. At least for now. I'm not going to lie, Lousiana was starting to sound really good. Then, by chance I happened upon my new apartment. Feels like home.

Love and Be Loved.

I want to re-create this photo, one day. 54th Street and Broadway. :)
Interesting how you can feel so much from a still picture.


The caption to this photo, read, "Finding the man that will love you and will let himself be loved is never easy".

Nice.

Six Words.

Can you sum up your romantic life in just six words?
These folks did.

Where he is, I am home.
-- Julia Evans

In hindsight, I'd still choose you.
-- Natana Gill

Love: eight pounds and six ounces.
-- Kenny Clark

Much married, fourth time is charmed.
-- Erica Jong

Wonder-filled, and never a dull torment.
-- Diane Ackerman

Marriage, children, empty nest: Now what?
-- Oliver House

Endurance is an expression of love.
-- Lee Woodruff

Everyone's crazy except you and me.
-- Mark Frauenfelder

I'm your one that got away.
-- Mary Elizabeth Williams

He e-mailed again, and I deleted.
-- Molly Antopol

No, you can't have the toaster.
-- Diana Spechler

May I have the last dance?
-- Robert Hass

He told me he was single.
-- Esther Newberg

My heart is my strongest muscle.
-- Shanna Katz

He's Velcro, I'm Teflon ... love endures!
-- Kay Murcer

Her beautiful eyes ... my guiding light!
-- Bobby Murcer

My life's accomplishments? Sanity, and you.
-- Elizabeth Gilbert

What once were two, are one.
-- George Saunders

What do you want for dinner?
-- Drew Magary

Hired me. Fired me. Married me.
-- Julie Klam

We belly laugh every single day.
-- Michelle Ottey

Moved in. No ring. Moved out.
-- Melissa Lafsky

Portland, she decided; I, the Bronx.
-- Dominic Preziosi

I searched him on Google. Nothing.
-- Cybele O'Brien

Love means lying about my weight.
-- Ann Ingalls

Hearts never look both ways first.
-- Tanya Jarrett

A kiss can write a secret.
-- Annmarie Howell

Shawty is a Killah.

In the weeks leading up to now, it's been an interesting "road". I've come to realize that the simplest of things have been what I have needed and wanted, to retain. I have been able to identify that the people that are truly important to me, bring me so much satisfaction. When it comes down to it, I cherish the handful of family and friends I have in my life. I would easily take a real conversation, an immensely long walk in the rain, or even a perfect moment where nothing, at all needs to be stated...over anything else I could be presented with. Again, I've realized it's the simple things that make me so thankful. I am truly lucky.

There are so many things I want to accomplish in this upcoming year. I'm excited for new avenues that I have been presented with, as well as goals that I want to bring to fruition. For starters, I want to try and be a better person. In small ways. I have an idea that kindness might be the answer to everything. So I plan to make this my ethos for 2009. Being kind in small ways. Not getting walked over, at all, just being nice for no other reason than it's nice to be nice.

I want to avoid the same old mistakes, particularly when it comes to relationships. I would rather be on my own than repeat patterns. That being said, I've decided that I will not cloud or conceal my feelings, either with people or situations. Basically, it hurts too much. I want to learn to say what I mean and mean what I say. I've noticed that when times get tough, it's easy to feel lost and alone. I am lucky enough to have someone that has always been there. Even though, sometimes, I know it must be hard for him to put up with my "girl-shit". He has always been a "rock" for me. His character is strong beyond measure and his support has always made me feel strong. I am lucky to have him. He is indeed, "baller status". haha.

I want to be more creative in all kinds of ways. Cooking. Making. Writing. Being artistic. Explore ideas. Collaborate with creative people. By this time, next year, I hope to have my business up and running. :) Everyone deserves to do something that they love and I believe I've found my passion.

I want to walk more. Walk, walk, walk. Walk with friends. Get out and breathe fresh air.

I've stopped drinking soda. I live by water and the occasional green tea or coffee. I've never felt better. What started out as a "bet", has turned out to be one of the best decisions I've made.

I feel like 2009 is the year for building on everything that I already have. Learning more French and taking advantage of having my grandmother teach me the last little bit of Japanese. Rediscovering my connection with my horse, Rocco, because I regret the time I didn't spend with Hugo. Nurturing my friendships. Exploring my creativity. Digging in some roots, wherever that may be.

Enjoying it all.