The boy's a "dreamboat".

Tonight/this morning, I was reminded...and was prompted to remind myself...that it's ok to relate one's "love stories" with effervescent verve and wonder. I have come to this annoying realization that there are no freaking absolustes, and you just. can't. make. assumptions that the way you perceive and experience the world around you, is the same way those you are surrounded by are experiencing it. You may have those rare and wonderful intersections in life while someone else is realizing things completely differently.

I am encouraged by recent experiences that the existence of love is out there. That it has existed in my life in several varying shades and rhythms, and no one experience was any more or less of value, strictly due to it's tenure or tenacity. I am being shaped by "all" of my experiences, and my chosen response to them. I like who I am now and since I do, I realize that it is only because of that mish mash of perception, with a small dash of arbitrary reality, that has made me this person.

I'm learning to appreciate all that I have had in my life, and all that I have...and will have.

Forever and forever and forever.

Corny. But Right-On.

You're.

Artful Dodger.

So, Randi and I took in the last day of the Utah Arts Festival, yesterday. I was stoked to see all of the local artists and local talent. I always have so much respect for people in a creative outlet. As a bonus, it was a beautiful day. Hello, sunburn. :)

I was most excited to see Cat Palmer's finished work. (I had been invited to participate in her Salt Flats shoot, a month ago.) Interestingly, as we entered the festival, a couple stopped me. They had just purchased a piece of Cat's work, with me hanging out, "front and center". Kinda neat, although as a creep factor, I might be watching them eat in their dining room. haha.

Outta body experience, right here: (The last available piece...)



Weird, that's all I can say.

Yes.

Actually, a clothing line.

Wishy-Washy.

Ummmm, so I haven't updated in a LONG time. I've been "moonlighting" over at these other two thangs: www.ragsandrunways.blogspot.com and most recently, www.monloulouclothing.blogspot.com.

Yep, I'm finally, finally trying to start my own clothing, something or other. The ultimate goal is to evenutally showcase local designers and carry a higher-end level of fashion...However, I feel like I'm starting off in the capacity that I can handle and that people can afford. I feel like that's important. I hope it turns into something that I can do fairly lucratively, or at least comfortably. Cause I really, really, really enjoy it. :)

New Changes:

Ummm, my lovely job @ Chloe is kaput. Unfortunately the business transferred ownership, due to a post-divorce court battle. Currently, Chloe has closed its doors and I don't know if they will re-open. It's a sad situation, since I had so many awesome memories there and count everyone as "family". However, I'm thankful for my time spent there and hope to keep my amazing work "family" in my life, forever.

I have a couch, but I'm not so sure that is a new "happening". But, if you knew me when I lived at my old place, downtown, you knew that I successfully lived there, for over a year, sans couch.

I officially hate interviewing. Especially for jobs that I'm either overqualified for or have no idea and experience with. It's frustrating, to say the least.

I want to take bartending courses.

Also, I don't know why...at all. But, I've been contemplating getting a tattoo. However, I would probably be assaulted by my mother and exiled.

The jury's still out.

Homie.

Welcome.

Drowning.

Grammar Nazi.

I get it. I'm done.

mas⋅och⋅ism
   [mas-uh-kiz-uhm, maz-]
–noun
1. Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
2. gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
3. the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.
4. the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.

Everyone Sucks.

At relationships. Right?


After spending the evening entertaining a conversation that involved "why" a family friend was dating a certain girl, I'm stumped. Should it be so complex? Don't get me wrong. I think I officially hold the record for "sucking at a relationship". I have no room to talk. I think that I try to "digest" certian situations, to try; myself, to avoid them in the future. Maybe.

The discussion started with the mention of a family friend. He had recently been dating (aka "head over heels") for a girl that, in the end...I think, kind of broke his heart. She moved on fast, got married. I'm serious. That situation is not uncommon. Girls, unfortunately, can be sly and manipulative creatures. It only takes one selfish girl, to ruin a good guy for the rest of us. I seem to be learning this more and more everyday.

So, fast forward a couple of weeks. Our family friend is now "heavily" involved with the aforementioned girl's, older sister. He seems happy, which in my mind is the most important thing. However, I have to think...why subject yourself to a situation that I feel will constantly brood unfinished "feelings"? His response?

"I will be at every family function. She will constantly be forced to see me."

Oh boy.

Another observation: We all like nice things. Anyone that speaks differently, is lying. After absorbing the first week of a crazy Sundance, I have come to the realization that money buys a lot of things. For instance, a beautiful $800.00 pair of Mike & Chris boots would be a lovely addition to my closet. :) I've even resorted to spending over seven dollars on a sandwich and not batting an eye. Ewww. (This has got to stop! haha.) I have also witnessed a lot of "couples", with what seems like "more money than god"...that HATE eachother. Case in point, I literally had a man "threaten" me if I, "sold his wife a pair of boots". Everyone seems to just go through the "motions". Together, because it's expected. Together, because it's easier than picking up a job and having to live by a budget. It's amazing the happiness that we sacrifice.

So, Why? Why do we make relationships so difficult? Why do items of monitary value, take precedence over the "stripped down", bare bones type of love? What makes people stay in unhappy situations? Complacency? On the same token, what makes people control and stifle any need or want for anything/something that they deserve?

Maybe it's because some people are afraid they will end up alone. When it comes down to it, we all want to feel like we are important to someone. Some people settle and regret everyday of it. Others, just might be so terrified of what good might come from actually realizing who they could be to someone, that they never try.

Better to be safe, than sorry, I guess.

Good Night.

Queen Of The Hill.

I'm moving. For, hopefully, the last time. At least for now. I'm not going to lie, Lousiana was starting to sound really good. Then, by chance I happened upon my new apartment. Feels like home.

Love and Be Loved.

I want to re-create this photo, one day. 54th Street and Broadway. :)
Interesting how you can feel so much from a still picture.


The caption to this photo, read, "Finding the man that will love you and will let himself be loved is never easy".

Nice.

Six Words.

Can you sum up your romantic life in just six words?
These folks did.

Where he is, I am home.
-- Julia Evans

In hindsight, I'd still choose you.
-- Natana Gill

Love: eight pounds and six ounces.
-- Kenny Clark

Much married, fourth time is charmed.
-- Erica Jong

Wonder-filled, and never a dull torment.
-- Diane Ackerman

Marriage, children, empty nest: Now what?
-- Oliver House

Endurance is an expression of love.
-- Lee Woodruff

Everyone's crazy except you and me.
-- Mark Frauenfelder

I'm your one that got away.
-- Mary Elizabeth Williams

He e-mailed again, and I deleted.
-- Molly Antopol

No, you can't have the toaster.
-- Diana Spechler

May I have the last dance?
-- Robert Hass

He told me he was single.
-- Esther Newberg

My heart is my strongest muscle.
-- Shanna Katz

He's Velcro, I'm Teflon ... love endures!
-- Kay Murcer

Her beautiful eyes ... my guiding light!
-- Bobby Murcer

My life's accomplishments? Sanity, and you.
-- Elizabeth Gilbert

What once were two, are one.
-- George Saunders

What do you want for dinner?
-- Drew Magary

Hired me. Fired me. Married me.
-- Julie Klam

We belly laugh every single day.
-- Michelle Ottey

Moved in. No ring. Moved out.
-- Melissa Lafsky

Portland, she decided; I, the Bronx.
-- Dominic Preziosi

I searched him on Google. Nothing.
-- Cybele O'Brien

Love means lying about my weight.
-- Ann Ingalls

Hearts never look both ways first.
-- Tanya Jarrett

A kiss can write a secret.
-- Annmarie Howell

Shawty is a Killah.

In the weeks leading up to now, it's been an interesting "road". I've come to realize that the simplest of things have been what I have needed and wanted, to retain. I have been able to identify that the people that are truly important to me, bring me so much satisfaction. When it comes down to it, I cherish the handful of family and friends I have in my life. I would easily take a real conversation, an immensely long walk in the rain, or even a perfect moment where nothing, at all needs to be stated...over anything else I could be presented with. Again, I've realized it's the simple things that make me so thankful. I am truly lucky.

There are so many things I want to accomplish in this upcoming year. I'm excited for new avenues that I have been presented with, as well as goals that I want to bring to fruition. For starters, I want to try and be a better person. In small ways. I have an idea that kindness might be the answer to everything. So I plan to make this my ethos for 2009. Being kind in small ways. Not getting walked over, at all, just being nice for no other reason than it's nice to be nice.

I want to avoid the same old mistakes, particularly when it comes to relationships. I would rather be on my own than repeat patterns. That being said, I've decided that I will not cloud or conceal my feelings, either with people or situations. Basically, it hurts too much. I want to learn to say what I mean and mean what I say. I've noticed that when times get tough, it's easy to feel lost and alone. I am lucky enough to have someone that has always been there. Even though, sometimes, I know it must be hard for him to put up with my "girl-shit". He has always been a "rock" for me. His character is strong beyond measure and his support has always made me feel strong. I am lucky to have him. He is indeed, "baller status". haha.

I want to be more creative in all kinds of ways. Cooking. Making. Writing. Being artistic. Explore ideas. Collaborate with creative people. By this time, next year, I hope to have my business up and running. :) Everyone deserves to do something that they love and I believe I've found my passion.

I want to walk more. Walk, walk, walk. Walk with friends. Get out and breathe fresh air.

I've stopped drinking soda. I live by water and the occasional green tea or coffee. I've never felt better. What started out as a "bet", has turned out to be one of the best decisions I've made.

I feel like 2009 is the year for building on everything that I already have. Learning more French and taking advantage of having my grandmother teach me the last little bit of Japanese. Rediscovering my connection with my horse, Rocco, because I regret the time I didn't spend with Hugo. Nurturing my friendships. Exploring my creativity. Digging in some roots, wherever that may be.

Enjoying it all.

"Why fool around with hamburger, when you have steak at home?"

You're a good man, Paul Newman. :)

Now, If I could only get to sleep. Grrr.

BrainChild.

So, here's a bit of a peek at the new endeavor:

Never Make Someone A Priority, When They Only Make You An Option.

Tonight, I'm a grump.

I hate not being able to sleep. At times, I can easily pinpoint the exact reason as to why I'm having trouble "letting down", while other times, I draw a blank. At least for tonight, I think I know.

I'm dissapointed. In a lot of different people, for a lot of different things. Tonight, I just feel like a wall has fallen on me and even though I know I'm strong enough to move, I feel paralyzed. Maybe I ask too much. Maybe I think, for just this one time, things will be or end differently. Maybe, after all of the fighting, I'm wrong. Maybe all of this, isn't worth fighting for, at all.

My mom says that sometimes I see "inside" of people and am able to identify a humanistic aspect, that I become indebted to. I need to stop this. Every situation always seems to end poorly.

Sometimes, I really wish for the "Old" Harmony. The younger, shy, chubbier girl...someone who if, at that time, could've seen the way things have ended now; would've done anything to avoid some of the decisions that she would eventually make.

Ya live, Ya Learn.

Goodnight.

E.S. Ghetto.

After spending all day raking leaves and mowing my lawn, I looked up and spotted this. For the first time in a bit, I had a good laugh.

I do, officially, live in the ghetto. Yessss.

Gone Coastal.

Found this photo while I was helping my mom, clean out one of our many garages. (An all day job...we won't mention how much time I wasted, looking at old photos)

Oregon Coast. I think I was 15.

My mom was behind the lens. I was the unsuspecting model.

Needless to say, I quit while I was ahead. :)

Word of the day: Epicure.

Elephants.

With all of the free time I have recently aquired, I found this. ITunes it or Limewire it, if you're cheap. This song is beautiful.


If the elephants have past lives,
Yet are destined to always remember,
It's no wonder how they scream,
Like you and I, they must have some temper.

And I am dreaming of them on the plains,
Dirtying up their beds,
Watching for some kind of rain
To cool their hot heads.

And how dare that you send me that card
When I'm doing all that I can do.
You are forcing me to remember
When all I want is to just forget you.

If the tiger shall protect her young,
Then tell me how did you slip by.
All my instincts have failed me for once
I must have somehow slept the whole night.

And I am dreaming of them with their kill,
Tearing it all apart,
Blood dripping from their lips,
And teeth sinking in to heart.

And how dare that you say you will call,
When you know I need some peace of mind..
If you had to take sides with the animals,
Won't you do it with one who is kind?

If the hawks in the trees need the dead,
If you're living you don't stand a chance.
For a time, though you share the same bed,
There are only two ends to this dance.

You can flee with your wounds just in time,
Or lie there as he feeds,
Watching yourself ripped to shreds
And laughing as you bleed.

So for those of you falling in love,
Keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right.
Throw yourself in the midst of danger,
But keep one eye open at night.

Laugh until we cry. Love until we bleed.

Life is funny.

I've always tried to see each "hurdle" as a learning experience. Such practices seem to have served me well. Growing with each struggle, no matter how small...(ie: crying my eyes out when my pet rabbit died vs. crying my eyes out because the boy I liked, asked someone else to prom ;)

If I could handle bad relationship decisions, going from $$$ to close to broke in the shortest time period imaginable, job changes (good and bad), screwing up every good relationship I have going, plus random personal losses...I could handle anything, right?

At this point, I just don't know.

I got Hugo as a baby. He was born with an angular front limb that would require surgery, to straighten out. There was no guarantee that surgery would be effective, since it was experimental. His breeder was against "putting any more money" into him, so he opted to euthanize him. My vet and I intervened and we put up the money for his numerous surgeries, in exchange for ownership. He was full of personality and spunk, even in a full leg cast, with pins in his knees. :) He immediately attached himself to humans (I'd like to think it wasn't just because we bottle fed him, haha).

As he grew older, I had no doubt that he would like to take a seat on the couch and watch TV with me. If my mom had let me, I might've tried. :)

Six years. Not nearly enough.


Whether it's hurting, because you know you care immensely about someone; when you know they presumably won't ever feel the same. To the utterly selfless love of an animal, whom at some point you know you may lose. Or giving yourself to someone, with the knowledge that they have "all of you" and you trust them, as scary as that may be. Maybe, we allow ourselves to take these risks, to open a place in our hearts for someone/something, because, in the end...we love them enough.

Maybe we're supposed to love, to hurt. Maybe that's what makes that feeling, so real.

This feeling's become all too familiar. I wish I knew.

God. I miss him.

Love. for. Grafitti.

Yesterday, was my birthday. I am now, officially "halfway to fifty"+ one year. Oddly enough, when I woke up, my back reminded me that I am getting "old". (Either that, or the fact that my mattress was $100.00 from BigLots...) It's weird turning a year older and feeing like I'm not indeed "wiser", but slightly lost.

The past little bit has been rough. While the majority of my friends (old/new) have either graduated from the college of their choice, working a lucrative career, and/or married/in a committed relationship...I'm, here.

Shitty circumstances aside, I am a lucky girl. I have a wonderful, crazy family, a small but trusted group of friends and my livelihoods. I have a lot to be thankful for. Although I can't help but wishing somethings were slightly "tweaked". We'll see. Things tend to unfold, as they should.

Cameron and I ended up going to Paradise Bakery for dinner. (If you ever go, get the sandwiches, they're great. The salads, not so much...) Afterwards, we stopped by his mom's house to say hello and see the "animalia". I thoroughly enjoyed spending some time with his mom, Omallie (cat), Sammy (cat), Sarah (cat), Hannah (cat), Chester (dog), Spud (tortoise) and Cosmo (bird). Plus, his mom made some fabulous cookies. :)

We then decided to go out to the "tunnels" along I-215. After "trapezing", barefoot vs. falling in my heels, down a beam in order to get to the tunnel, we turned on the flashlight. The tunnels were filled, floor to ceiling, in grafitti. Apparently, he and his friends used to paint in these tunnels, years ago. After getting the, "If something big falls on you, kill it as fast as you can", speech, I was good to go. Taking in the simplicity of something that costs nothing, with someone that you genuinely like to spend time with, means everything.

The night was perfect. I wouldn't have wanted to spend it any other way.

Plus, on the positive; unlike last year, I didn't get left at a bar. :)

Mr. Feel Nothing.

Not being able to sleep, gives me a lot of time to think.

I've realized, that a lot of people seem to feel apathy towards eachother. Maybe it's just being jaded, I don't know. I have tried my best to avoid ever being that way. I have been dragged into the shittiest relationships I could imagine, and I've always tried to keep the frame of mind (keyword, tried), to bounce back from them. To remember that everyone is not the same and to give it all another go around. (Slowly, there's nothing wrong with protecting yourself.) I mean it's what you have to do right? There are shitty people, which unfortunately can make us wary of everyone. Cause how could something built on lies and deceit, feel completely real, right? You could question yourself forever. Not everyone is the same.

On the contrary, this doesn't mean constant companionship. You can be alone. You can be single. But when it comes down to it, refuse to give up. Or avoid something when you see potential. Maybe one time, it will be worth the shot. Maybe. Regrets are a horrible thing. Many people will come close to hardening you. Just refuse to ever let them succeed. Too many of us are hardened now.

I hope this isn't what we all are becoming. That there is still a large enough group of us willing to keep going another round. Still willing to let someone in. That we aren't all going to end up just a bunch of robots in relationships. People who will end up dating not wholeheartedly with feeling and hopes, but more of an acceptance of failure and detachment. Almost as if already prepared to walk away easily, should it come to that in the relationship.

That's an unfortunate way to believe.

It's an impossible way to fall in love.

Walking Fifty Miles in Snakeskin Flats.

I've never remembered being "here". At a place where everything you seem to touch, fades away or turns into an utterly twisted mess. Dream jobs turn into nightmares and it seems like any "good thing" you have going, comes to an end.

Honestly, today, I didn't know what to do or where to go. So, as expected, I bug Cam. After spending the majority of the day, either sleeping, YouTubing, ITunesing and just generally feeling poorly for ourselves, we decided to take a walk and get something to eat. It had been raining all day and there's always an interesting beauty in a city covered in rain.

After "fueling" ourselves, we continued on our trek of taking in the city, during the storm. No umbrellas, just hoodies and jackets...pure hipster fashion. :) During our walk around the city, I began to realize different things that I had always been too busy to notice. That, coupled with the overcast and rainy weather, magnified everything we took in. Long story, short...we spent the whole day, just walking all over downtown.

To some, this may not be the "perfect" idea of a "perfect" day. I used to be one of those people. I don't know what changed, but I like it. Simplicity is an amazing aphrodisiac. Plus, I kinda enjoyed looking like a complete wreck. ;)

Sometimes, I wish I could re-live certain days and experiences, over and over again.

Today was one of those days.

(Also, worth noting; I think I successfully ruined my snakeskin flats and I've never been happier.)

Blog--er. Yeah.

So, it's the start of a new month and I hate keeping a diary.

Here goes nothing.